Or “The truth about success… and the lie of failure.”
Writing is a test of faith.
This is probably the worst part time job I could have possibly chosen–mostly because I haven’t made more than 250$ on a project I’ve invested close to 7,000$ to create. Those numbers are reality. Truth. Honest to Maker real numbers. Even though I work on this series in 100% of my free time. This year I have chosen it over every other hobby and venture. I gave up my personal social media accounts in the interest of saturating my author accounts instead. I have invested every drop of my disposable income.
A trusted advisor told me (the truth): “Barnes and Noble isn’t ever going to carry your books.”
Creativity becomes bravery when you start taking credit for the things you do well, ignoring those who don’t wish you the best, and keep absolute faith that you’re on this path for a reason.
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I’m unreliable for plans, disorganized about responsibilities, neglectful of housework, and losing money, but I still believe in it–even if I have nothing more than the honest word of 2 beta readers that this book series doesn’t suck. It’s insanity–I’m doing the same thing a second time in about a week even though I’m not entirely sure the first attempt was a success.
That Should have knocked some sense into me, wouldn’t you think? Well, It didn’t.
I’m the fool still hoping one day they will.
Failure, you see, is only defined by me, but to say “I have failed” before I have completely exhausted every single avenue to success and all the resources at my disposal… is a lie. At least to me, and really I’m not in competition with anyone. I define success as getting my writing into the hands of strangers and hoping they like it. Royalties would be great, and I do believe they will come, but until they do…
Making a living out of writing this way is about as likely as playing the lottery to get struck by lightening after surviving a airplane crash. I get that… but when did we stop believing in magic?
I won’t just admit failure
Not until I have used all the resources I have, asked for help, taken advice, put in a true 100% effort, and spent time on letting the market mature. I have failed, therefore I’m walking away, is backwards. I am walking away, therefore I failed is mostly how I see it.
I want to know the odds in three years. Five. Ten. What are the odds if I just don’t give up, even if I have to give books away?
So here I sit finally editing the first version of book 3 “Recovery” and through some miracle of flow state trances and short term memory impairment… I just read through the main story for the very first time and…
Guys, it’s really good. It’s “I don’t believe I wrote this” good–but I know I did because sometimes my brain adds a note in the margin to mention something I then mention a paragraph later.
Book 3 is that painting created at three AM in an emotional rush but, after sitting an inch from that canvas for 3 hours covered in acrylic, all you see are the missing strokes or the color choices that didn’t work. This is two days later backing the fuck up and staring at that same canvas from across the room going… “I don’t believe I painted that. It’s really good. I love it.”
This has never happened to me with writing… not consistently and I have been writing as a hobby for thirty years. Something good is happening. Something big is going to come from this, I know it and I don’t even know how I know. What started as a mediocre, perhaps even unusual skill with words has now blossomed into a reliable talent I can shape, perfect, and improve–but if I never did, you’d still like the books. That’s the crazy part.
My ideal reader is going to love what I’m working on and I’m not giving up until I have an entire series of books in their TBR pile.
Book 2 is well written, but book 3 is going to be exceptional because I am writing it now. Today. Not two years ago, not last month. I’m writing it at my current level of skill–the skill that has now evolved over hundreds of thousands of words, more than a few no starters, multiple edits and versions, and 2 years of hard work in all my free time. It is the result of my investment of time and money and energy.
Success is measured in tiny victories and intellectual leaps. Every page turned on Kindle. Success is found in every dollar invested in ads and covers and editors. Success is every single time I can step back from my creation and say… I’m proud of this.
Success will be the result of my insane, idealist, anarchist philosophy, that mindset is everything and failure is a lie.
Success is going to take years if it even arrives at all.
Well, dear reader, good thing I’m playing a long game.
Love and Gratitude,
